LEAVING FINGERPRINTS

I was kind of enjoying my Aerosmith, thanks….

you’re almost 50. that’s a little old to be throwing tantrums.

if you tell me you want me to quit my job because you don’t like working with me or to move out because you don’t like the way i am, don’t think i’ll believe you when you say you love me or you want me around. bullshit.

that’s all i hear:   b u  l  l  s  h  i  t

Tonight is gonna kill me. Also, about to head out to shoot MORE. Ahhh no more procrastinating on photo assignment EVER AGAIN. 

I want to be excited about my work, not merely satisfied with fulfilling the guidelines for an assignment. That’s not what it’s about.

I want to put my heart into it. I want everything I shoot to have a meaning that is more than an assignment. I want to learn and improve my skill. I don’t want to define myself by comparing my work to anyone else’s. I want to be fully confident in what I do. I want my work to be able to stand alone and make an impression. It shouldn’t need a title. It shouldn’t need a paragraph-long description. It should draw emotion out of it’s viewers, make them think and feel. A picture could be “worth a thousand words” but I don’t want mine to need words. A photograph is a photograph. A poem is a poem. Each should be able to stand alone as well as inspire the other. That is what I think. And none of this may make sense cause I’m over-tired and stressing.

Basically. I don’t wanna take mediocre photos and try to call it art or talent. I don’t want to blend in. I want something more. Something that reveals Truth and is Real. Something that is beautiful even though it may be ugly or sad or distasteful. Something that is repulsive even though it is beautiful or rich or comfortable. I want to pull back facades and dig deeper. I want to reveal the contradiction of the way our society lives. 

[end rant]

This might be a rant.

Honestly, I’m effing done with friends. Done. With. Them. Not sure if I’ll ever have a real friend. The kind of friend that is honest. The kind that willingly goes out of their way for you. The kind that follows through. The kind that doesn’t use and abuse you. The kind that actually respects. I’m just sick of one sided friendships. I keep giving of myself, putting effort into people I care about, and hoping to get a little love in return. Usually I do, at first. Get stoked cause it seems like I finally have found a good friend. But after a few months, maybe even a year, it just goes away. I’m putting in time and heart but that “friend” is just standing there. Turning away like there never was something good there. What is it I’m doing wrong? Someone inform me. Cause it fucking hurts. This has happened to me my whole life and I keep expecting it to be different. Every fucking time. But it never is. As much as I honestly thought I’d found an actual friend, I am always wrong. 

Geez. I haven’t hurt so bad in a long time. Feels like all the old hurt from all the old shitty “friends” I’ve had is taking me over. And all I can do is sit alone and cry and type this. And its just a stupid rant that won’t change a thing. But at least it makes me feel a little better. 

I just don’t know if I’ll be able to trust people. To put into friendships. To try and uphold any current “friendships” I may have.